Attack of the Fangirls
by onlyonceinforever
Summary: The SVU team is attacked by fangirls. What ever will they do? Coming soon, the continuation of the crazed obsessed fangirls, the noob fangirl, and the dumb blonde fangirl!
1. The Psycho Obsessed Fangirls!

**Disclaimer: Um, I own the psychos. Any recognizable characters (as you should well know by now) don't belong to me.**

**A/N: Wow, it seems like I don't have an excuse for writing quite a few things recently...**

**Attack of the Fangirls**

It started out like any other day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping... Birds... SVU detective John Munch muttered obscenities into his pillow. Damn things had woken him up considerably earlier than he would have liked. He pulled his pillow over his head in a futile attempt to drown out the incessant chirping. When that didn't work, he submitted to consciousness and dragged himself out of bed.

Shortly thereafter, John walked into the precinct, looking around for the nearest pot of coffee. Despite his early waking, he had not thought ahead to stop for caffeine on the way to work. Another thing to blame on those damn pigeons...

He found the coffee with relative ease, and was happy to see that there was a fresh pot brewed and ready for the drinking. John poured himself a cup and smiled happily to himself. Then he went to face the outside world. Well, in this case, the outside world being the rest of the room he was already in.

"Morning," he said to Elliot, who was slumped over his desk in a sea of paperwork.

Elliot lifted his head slightly.

"It's morning already? Damn..."

John observed the mounds of legal documents that were surrounding Elliot's head.

"You're in early," he stated smartly.

"Never left," Elliot responded begrudgingly. "But you did. Why are you in so soon? Usually you slip in at the last possible morning, cursing for all the world that morning is an evil time of day and the degrees inhumanity involved with making people get up that early."

John tried to look innocent.

"Me? No, I think you might have gotten me confused with my partner."

At that exact moment, Odafin Tutuola made his appearance, dragging his feet along the linoleum floor.

"Morning!" John said cheerfully.

"It's not morning. The sun's not up yet. Leave me alone."

With that, Fin trudged off, probably to go find coffee. Within moments of his leaving, Don Cragen and Olivia Benson filed in, looking every bit as tired as the others.

"Morning!" John said cheerfully, smiling widely at the look on their faces.

Olivia glared at him. Cragen responded with a curt "Shut up, Munch" before following Fin to the coffee pot.

John turned to Elliot.

"Well, it seems like the whole world woke up with their knickers in a twist."

Elliot just stared at him. He was saved from further comment, however, as two teenage girls walked into the precinct just then, also looking dead on their feet.

"Morning!" John said cheerfully. Both girls shot him glares that told him to shut up if he wanted to go on living any longer. He did so accordingly and watching rather put-offedly as they made a beeline for the coffee.

"So, is there something we can help you two girls with?" Cragen asked, now considerably more personable due to the caffeine. There was no response for a moment as the girls waited for the awakening effects of the coffee to kick in. Once it did, they turned to him in shock.

"You..."

"You're..."

"That guy..."

"Who..."

"Yeah... him..."

Cragen and Munch exchanged looks. Munch shrugged and sat down at his desk, leaving the former grumpy-pants to deal with the incoherent teens.

"Um, may I ask that you try to form that sentence so that the rest of us can understand it?"

The girls stared first at him, then at each other, then back to him. The results were nearly instantaneous.

"EEEEEEEEEEE!"

"IT'S CRAGEN! AND OLIVIA! AND MUNCH! AND FIN! AND ELLIOT!"

"Hey!" the first girl, who would later be introduced as Alana Marcelo, exclaimed, "Why was Elliot last!"

"Because," the second girl, who would later be introduced as Karen Barley, responded, "Cassidy's not here for me to bash."

"Hey!"

As the two girls fought, the entire Special Victims Unit stared at each other.

"What the hell is goin' on here?" Fin asked, a confused look on his normally frozen face.

"I... don't know." Olivia responded, looking bewildered.

"I think they might be insane." Cragen whispered, as if the girls could hear him over the sound of their shouting. "Maybe we should get Huang in here."

Somehow, some way, the arguing teens heard his last comment. The bickering stopped immediately, and they stared intently at Cragen.

"Huang? Is he here?" Karen asked excitedly.

"If he is, can I kill him?" Alana asked maliciously.

Elliot raised an eyebrow.

"I think I like this kid." he said. Everyone in the precinct knew his rather vocal hatred for psychiatrists and their analyzing tendencies. Munch, Fin, Olivia, and Cragen all shot him patronizing looks, but Elliot ignored them.

"Hey, you there," he said to the girls. "What are your names?"

The girls stared at each other for a moment before beginning to speak rapidly in quiet voices to one another.

"Oh. My. God. Elliot Stabler just talked to me."

"Mmm. Now can we kill him?"

"What! Karen, no! I told you, I wouldn't off stupid-ass psychiatrist guy if you didn't hurt Elliot. So no touchie!"

"Okay, okay. Should we tell him who we are?"

The first girl (Alana) shot her a look that very plainly said "Duh!" followed up by a full statement.

"He's Elliot. Of course we tell him."

With that, the girls looked up and resumed speaking in normal tones. The second girl (Karen) smiled widely and said perkily,

"Hi! I'm Karen Barley." she gesticulated in Alana's general direction. "This is Alana Marcelo. She wants to do you."

"Karen!" Alana gasped, slapping her so-called friend hard in the arm.

"Just kidding, just kidding." Karen hurriedly recanted the statement. However, she added in an undertone, just loudly enough for Alana to hear, "But you know it's true."

Alana decided to take the high road and ignore her.

"Feel free to ignore Karen. She has a _few_ mental issues we're still trying to resolve. It's not working."

Karen shot her a nasty glare. Before more fighting could break out, however, Munch jumped in.

"Right, so, Karen, Alana," - Karen stuck her tongue out at Alana in a taunting way since he had mentioned her first. Alana refrained from slapping her again. - "Is there something we can do for you?"

The girls exchanged looks for the millionth time that day.

"No, not really," They chimed, looking rather proud of themselves.

"Then what...?" Olivia was cut off as her brilliant partner came to a realization.

"Oh shit," he said, "Fangirls."

**Heehee, that's riiiiiight! And the psycho fangirls are here to stay! Coming up in the upcoming chapters:**

The continuation of the psycho-obsessed fangirls!

The introduction of the noob fangirl!

The introduction of the dumb blonde fangirl!

Stay tuned!


	2. The Psycho Obsessed Fanwriters!

**Disclaimer: See first chapter.**

**All right, so Karen and Alana had just shown up, much to the surprise of the SVU squad. Things only took a turn for the worse when Elliot discovered their true identities as fangirls. And here we are now.**

The girls grinned maniacally.

"That's right!" They chimed, sounding eerily like Oopah Loompahs on crack. (**A/N: Can you believe my spell checker didn't have Oopah OR Loompah in it? The nerve!)** The SVU squad backed away slowly. Well, it was more like they tried to, but ended up running into a desk, the wall, etc. And there they stood, looking much like rats trapped in a cage. Well, everyone except Cragen.

"What is going on here? What are fangirls?" he asked, obviously confused.

Elliot shook his head at his Captain's naivety.

"Fangirls are the worst thing that can happen. They're thoroughly obsessed, and will stop at nothing to get their way. And, worst of all, they know everything. And I mean _everything_. Including what you did last night."

Munch look a bit startled at this proposition. On cue, Karen and Alana turned to him and gave him a knowing smile. Munch's eyes went wide as he backed up into his desk even further.

Elliot continued speaking as if nothing had happened.

"The only thing that's worse than fangirls is..." he paused, as if it was too horrible to say, as if they would appear if he said the word, before whispering "Fanwriters."

Again, Cragen looked confused.

"What are fanwriters?" he asked, level of confusion rising higher and higher with each passing word.

Olivia responded for her partner.

"Fanwriters are the worst kind of evil. They take everything about our lives and... and..." she trailed off, much as Elliot had moments before, "They change it."

"What?" The look of horror on Cragen's face would have been comical if the situation had been less serious.

Olivia nodded solemnly.

"They don't know when to stop. They put us together in... pairings, I think they're called. And not logical ones, either. No, they put us with the people who would never in a million years hook up."

"Such as...?"

"Well," Fin made his presence known, "They're partial to Olivia and Elliot, among others."

"Don't forget all those ones where we're gay." Munch chimed. "They like putting Fin and myself together. Not that I can see a reason for it."

"At least they don't put you with someone you had a one night stand with and really don't like all that much." Olivia said, in a slightly annoyed tone. Alana looked at the floor, whistling nervously. "I mean Elliot is one thing - at least he's handsome - but-"

She was cut off by the sound of a girl shrieking the name "Cassidy!" As one, the entire room turned to look at the newcomers, who had just skipped jauntily in. Obviously, they had had their coffee beforehand.

As Munch surveyed the new kids, to his surprise, he found that they looked oddly like Alana and Karen. They introduced themselves as Ashley and Kerri, respectively. Of course, this only served to confuse everybody more.

All four teens stood in a clump, smiling maniac grins.

"Hold on a minute," Cragen said, trying to get a grip on the situation, "Can somebody _please_ tell me what is going on around here?"

"Certainly!" Ashley said perkily. "Kerri?"

"I'd be glad to!" Kerri responded just as perkily. "Karen and Alana are psycho-obsessed fangirls. Ashley and I are psycho-obsessed fanwriters. Comprende?"

"Comprendas." Ashley stated. "It's comprendas, not comprende, since you're speaking directly to the person, not talking about them."

"Whatever." Kerri shrugged. "As long as I know how to say el zapatos de Munchie, I'm good."

While this exchange was going on, certain people were becoming consistently more confused.

"Let me see if I have this straight," said Cragen, "You two" - he pointed at Alana and Karen - "Are just fangirls, right? And you two" - he gesticulated toward Kerri and Ashley - "Are fanwriters, right? You write fanfiction and tamper with our lives?"

"And put your emotions on display for all to see." Ashley added cheerily. Cragen looked even _more_ disconcerted at the sound of this.

"But don't worry," Kerri added, "Neither of us have written anything for you. Not yet, anyway."

"So there are more out there like you?" the words exited Cragen's throat in a rather strangled manner.

"More?" Alana said, still sounding put off that she was "just a fangirl", "Try millions, all over the world. Ever heard of a little site called Central headquarters for fanwriters everywhere."

Cragen had to sit down in order to not pass out from shock.

"And you" - he looked toward his squad - "knew about all this?"

Elliot, Olivia, Munch, and Fin all nodded slowly.

"And you didn't think that this would be information that I would do well knowing?"

Elliot, Olivia, Munch, and Fin all shook their heads slowly.

"Oy vey..." Cragen put his head in his hands and went to his happy place to try to absorb all the information being thrown at him. In the meantime, Ashley had turned to Kerri.

"Hey, it's kinda dull around here. I think we need to liven things up a bit."

Kerri smiled viciously in return.

"What do you want to do?"

"I dunno..." Ashley thought hard for all of two and a half seconds. "Bring back Cassidy. Cuz _somebody_ - she glared at Cragen - decided it would be best if he went to Narcotics, thereby taking him away from the people who need him."

Cragen looked taken aback. Kerri groaned.

"You _always_ want to bring back Cassidy!"

"Yeah, so? At least I let Huang and Casey live."

Kerri grumbled something unintelligible under her breath.

"What was that?" Ashley asked.

"Nothing." came the response rather quickly.

"That's what I thought. So, can we bring Cassidy back?"

Kerri shrugged.

"I guess. But only because it'll piss Elliot off."

While Elliot was pondering the meaning of that statement, the two girls had pulled out a notebook and pen and opened it to a blank page. Within a matter of seconds, there stood Brian Cassidy, in all his Cassidy-ish wonder.

"Cassidy!" Alana yelped, looking a bit more than happy at the man's arrival. She glomped him. He didn't seem to mind all that much.

"Fanwriters again?" he asked nonchalantly. "Well, it was bound to happen again sometime."

Olivia looked like she was about to kill something. Preferably the people who had brought back her fling. Kerri and Ashley noticed this and quickly scribbled something on the paper. Suddenly, Olivia began thinking that Elliot wouldn't be all that bad a person to be paired with...

Meanwhile, Alana was still attached to Cassidy. He looked down at the top of her head and said,

"Alana, right?"

Alana squealed.

"You remembered!" she then proceeded to hug him even tighter. Again, Cassidy didn't seem to mind.

In the meantime, Kerri and Ashley had apparently written Monique back in, since she was now also in the room, talking to Munch, who looked rather pleased.

Cragen took one look around the room and fainted.

**Uh oh! Not really, he'll be fine. It's not like I can kill him off or anything. Well, really, I could, but I won't. Next up, the introduction of the ignorant noob!**


	3. The Ignorant Noob Fangirl!

**Wow, I don't think I've ever gotten this many reviews in such a short period of time. So I say, why not give the people what they want? Onwards!**

Cragen awoke minutes later to find himself lying on a couch, his squad all peering down at him. He jumped back, a bit unnerved to find their faces so very close to his.

"Hey Cap," Fin said concernedly, "You okay?"

Cragen seemed a bit out of it, so Ashley jumped in for him.

"Course he is! Isn't that right, Donnie?"

The entire crew turned to stare at her.

"I mean, come on people, we wrote it. I think I would know if he's gonna be okay or not."

Kerri, Alana, and Karen all nodded in agreement. The others still didn't look convinced.

"Oh come on!" Ashley continued, sensing their skepticism. "I could make him get drunk without alcohol right now if I wanted. Which I don't." The second part was added quickly after seeing the glares she was receiving from just about everybody in the room, including her friends.

"Ashley," Kerri started, "You know perfectly well that Cragen's in AA. We can't let him fall off the wagon!"

"I know," Ashley contradicted with a smug smile. "That's why he wouldn't have _actually_ drank. He would just be drunk. There's a difference. And _still_ with the strange looks."

"Yeah, well, I think it would be better for all of us if you just put that thing away." Elliot said, gesturing to the notebook Kerri was currently grasping. The girls nodded and banished the book to who-knows-where.

They all stood around in silence for a while, since nobody seemed to have anything to say. The girls, of course, grew bored with this very quickly and started plotting something.

"Uh oh, what are you guys doing?" Cassidy asked. For the record, he was still being hung onto by Alana. And also for the record, he still didn't seem to mind.

The four girls looked up at him, identical maniac sparks in their eyes.

"Never mind, I don't wanna know." He quickly recanted.

"That's what I though." Karen commented, before turning back to the newly formed huddle. "So, you wanna do it?"

"Of course!" Alana countered. "I wasn't aware that there was any debate about the matter."

"There wasn't," Kerri stuck in. "She was just clarifying."

"Of course she was," Ashley added dryly.

Suddenly and simultaneously, the girls turned to the SVU crew.

"Hey, can we borrow someone's phone?"

Olivia, Elliot, Cassidy, Cragen, Monique, Munch, and Fin all exchanged looks.

"No." They all said bluntly.

"Ah, come on," the girls pleaded, "It'll just be for a second!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Elliot?" Ashley gave the shrink-hating detective puppy dog eyes. We can beat stupid-ass psychiatrist guy if you say yes."

"But Huang's not here." Munch stupidly pointed out.

The fanwriters grinned crazily.

"That's what you think." Within seconds, George Huang stood in all his stupid-ass psychiatristy glory in front of him.

"Georgie!" Karen squealed.

"Ass wipe!" Alana shouted.

Both girls lunged at the newcomer, but for two very different reasons. Cassidy, who was rather depressed that he had been abandoned, just stood by and watched at Karen latched onto Huang and Alana was forcibly restrained by Elliot.

"Come on Elliot, let me go! I'll let you beat him too if ya do!"

"As very tempting as that though is, I'm gonna have to decline."

"Ah, man! You suck, Elliot, ya know that?"

"And would you know that from personal experience, hmm, Alana?" Kerri asked with a devious smirk. Alana glared at her, but thanks to Elliot's smashing restraining job, was unable to do anything more about it.

"Ashley, smack her for me!"

Ashley did as she was told and smacked Kerri hard on the arm.

"Ow! That hurt, you bitch! Fin, get her!" Kerri cowered behind Fin, who looked at her like she was clinically insane. Which, by the way, I'm in no way contradicting.

While all this was going on, Alana had come to the realization that she was still being restrained by Elliot.

"Hey!" she cried happily, "I'm being restrained by Elliot!"

The others gave her looks that very plainly said "Duh!" Well, Cassidy didn't, since he was still off being annoyed that he had been abandoned. Ashley noticed this and whipped out the notebook and pen, presumably to write in some kind of kick-ass threesome, when Olivia noticed.

"Oh no you don't!" She said, yanking the items from the girl's grasp. "If anyone gets to be with Elliot, it's me, you hear?"

Ashley gasped in mock shock.

"I knew it! I knew it! I always knew you wanted Elliot all for yourself! Wait till I write about this in my blog..."

While Olivia tried to cover up what she had just said, Ashley looked on amusedly, Munch and Monique were still talking, Fin was still giving Kerri strange looks, Cragen was still looking a bit faint, Cassidy still looked a bit put out, Alana was still being restrained by Elliot, and Karen was still glomping Huang. (**A/N: Geese, my spell checker sucks! It doesn't know glomping, psychiatristy, OR blog! What do they teach these things these days? I mean REALLY.) **In fact, everybody was so preoccupied that they didn't notice when yet someone _else_ walked into the room.

The newcomer looked around, a slightly confused expression on her face. Then she spotted Karen, Alana, Kerri, and Ashley and perked up right away.

"Karen! Alana! Kerri! Ashley!" She called. It took a moment for the other four to notice that they were being called, them being so caught up in other things and all. When they finally did, their eyes lit up.

"Cynthia!" They called simultaneously. "Long time no see!"

They quickly abandoned what they were doing (well, Elliot still refused to let go of Alana, since he still thought there was a very real danger of her attacking Huang - which there was - and had to be dragged over to where Cynthia was standing. Not that Alana was complaining, of course.) and dashed over to the new girl.

"Wormtail old comrade!" Ashley greeted her.

"Padfoot old chap!" came the response. The others, as usual, looked on in confusion, then decided to just ignore it for the sake of their mental well-being.

"We were just about to call you," Alana stated cheerily.

"But we got a bit distracted." Kerri added.

"I can see." Cynthia commented, surveying the room. "Hey, aren't those the people from that show?"

"Wow, the specifics of that statement are killing me." Ashley muttered dryly.

"Shut up. Um, the one you guys are obsessed with. Law and Order, or whatever."

Before the other girls had the chance to kill Cynthia, Cragen finally spoke for the first time since his little fainting session.

"Let me guess," he said dryly, "More crazies."

"Hey!" the girls protested simultaneously. "We're not crazy!"

"Suuuure you're not." Munch muttered, followed by some unintelligible murmuring about government conspiracies.

"Shut up, Munch!"

Munch then went back to chatting with Monique, the way he had been for the last chapter and a half.

"Anyways," Ashley continued, "This is Cynthia Alvero. She's the ignorant one."

"Hey!" Cynthia protested. Well, she started to protest, then realized that Ashley had a point. "Never mind."

"That's what I thought you said."

Cynthia's highly mature response was to stick her tongue out.

"Really, I mean, she knows nothing. Seriously, I could point to Fin, say 'who's that?' and she would probably say Snape."

"Snape? Where?" Cynthia looked around frantically. The others groaned.

"Baaaaaad choice of words." Karen muttered, "Very, very baaaaad choice of words."

"Mmm." Alana responded. "That was definitely not a smart idea, that one."

"Shut up," Ashley protested weakly, knowing they had a point. "That was definitely not one of my better moments."

"You can say that again..." Cassidy muttered, _still_ feeling ignored and abandoned.

"Shut up, Brian!" Ashley snapped. Cassidy and everyone else backed away slowly. Everyone knew that when Ashley referred to Munch and Cassidy by their first names, there was trouble to be had.

"Hey!" Alana shrieked. "Don't bitch at Cassidy! He didn't do anything to you!"

"Yeah, except exist." Ashley muttered, highly annoyed. Cassidy looked hurt. Alana wormed her way out of Elliot's grasp and glomped Cassidy, who suddenly looked considerably happier. Everyone else, of course, looked more confused than ever.

"Could someone please explain to me what is going on here?" Olivia asked, cheeks tinged slightly red from her previous comment. Everyone turned to look at her. "What? I want to know."

"Nothing wrong with that." Kerri commented. "This is Cynthia. She's ignorant."

"Yes, we already know that." Olivia said. "I was wondering more about her comment earlier."

"Which one would that be?" Karen asked, thinking hard.

"The one with... you know who." Alana whispered.

"Voldemort? Where?" Cynthia looked up frantically.

"Up your ass." Ashley commented snidely. The comment received her strange looks. "What?"

"A bit testy today, are we?" Munch commented.

"Piss the hell off!"

"I think you and I should go outside to cool down before you kill something." Elliot said, leading a very pissed off looking Ashley out the door.

"Yeah, like Huang." Alana muttered, looking rather pleased with herself.

"Excuse me!" Olivia called, obviously not happy with the prospect of being ignored.

"Whaaaaaaat?" The remaining girls turned to the detective in exasperation.

"You still haven't answered my question."

"Which was what, again?"

"What she said before."

"What who said before?"

"Her." Olivia pointed at Cynthia, who was still looking around frantically.

"Oooh, right. When?"

"Before."

"Before when?"

"Before this entire conversation started!" Olivia yelled in frustration.

"Oooh, then! Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

"I did!" Olivia shut her mouth, deciding that saying anything else would just postpone the answer she wanted even further.

"Um... what were we talking about?" Alana asked, looking confused.

"The thing with Snape, love." Cassidy pointed out helpfully. Alana smiled up at him gratefully.

"Finally, someone who knows what's going on around here!" Olivia burst out. The girls turned to look at her.

"Well, there's no need to get testy." Karen stated with a small smirk. Olivia looked ready to strangle them all.

"So," Kerri started, for once being the one who was on top of things, "Snape is Cynthia's favorite character from Harry Potter."

"James St. Prongs? Where?" Alana took her turn to look around frantically.

"Nowhere, hun. Now relax." Karen said, patting Alana's arm.

"And just for the record, he's not just my favorite Harry Potter character, he's my favorite person _ever_." Cynthia added happily, daydreaming about her love interest.

"And husband." Alana added. "Which is really, _really_ gross."

"Hey!" Cynthia protested. She was saved from saying anything else, thankfully, as thoughts of her greasy, nasty, gross lover crossed her mind.

"Uh oh," Kerri noted, "Looks like Cynthia's thinking about some explicit fanfiction material."

Kerri, Karen, and Alana all looked disgusted. Cynthia strolled out of the precinct looking happy.

"Anyone care to explain that one?" Cragen asked.

The girls exchanged looks.

"No, not really."

**Wow, I think this chapter easily wins for the longest I've ever written. Not kidding. And it took FOREVER to write. Seriously, multiple hours out of my life for this one, so I expect some good reviews! **

**Next time... um... what _is _coming next time? Oh, right, the dumb blonde (redundant, I know) fangirl!**


	4. The Dumb Blonde Fangirl!

**A/N: Wow, I haven't updated this one in a looooong time. Whoops. Well, here's an update, but I'm not sure how funny it's going to be, since I'm not really in the right mood for this, but felt like doing it anyway, ya know?**

**Oh, and I apologize in advance to all the blondes out there reading this. I realize that not everyone is this stupid and ditzy, but hey, it's all in the name of good writing, right? Right? _Right?_**

**Ack, one last thing, I promise! I realize that Elliot and Kathy aren't together anymore, but for the sake of this story, they are. All right, I'm done.**

"Hey, Elliot?" Ashley and Elliot still stood outside, where it was a bit nippy, to say the least.

"Yeah?" Elliot looked over at the estranged teen, one eyebrow raised.

"Can we go back inside now? I think my face just went numb."

"Have you learned you lesson?"

Ashley gave him a very cross look, signaling that she obviously did not want to answer that question. Elliot sent her one right back, indicating that if she didn't want frostbite she was going to have to say it and mean it.

"Yes, Detective..." Her gaze stayed glued to the ground, and it was quite apparent that there were many things she would much rather being doing just then.

"Good." Elliot said, satisfied. "Let's go, then."

The two turned to head back inside the station-house when they ran (literally) into someone. Apparently, she had just popped out of nowhere, since neither of our two main characters had noticed her before that moment.

"Who're you?" Ashley asked, rubbing her head where it had collided with the girl's elbow.

"Is this, like, the police station?" The girl, who, incidentally, was blonde, ignored Ashley's question in favor of asking one of her own.

Immediately, Elliot ceased being annoyed and was interested, being the cop that he is.

"Yes, it is. I'm Detective Stabler, is there something I can help you with?"

"Like, oh, like, my God!" The girl shrieked, causing the other two to clamp their hands over their ears in a vain attempt to block out the sound. "You're, like, Mr. Whatshisface!"

Elliot and Ashley exchanged looks.

"First of all," Ashley said meanly, since she didn't take too kindly to her first/second-depending-on-the-day/second character being insulted, "It's _Detective Stabler_, and second-"

"Like, oh, like, my GOD!" There was less than second after the words were uttered before the girl launched herself at Elliot, only to be whacked in the face by Ashley's fist. "Like, OW! Like, what was that for?"

Ashley stood in front of Elliot, smiling smugly, arms crossed across her chest.

"Nobody - and I mean _nobody_ - touches Elliot. Period. Except maybe his wife and kids." she thought for a second, "And that's only sometimes."

"Like, you're, like, MEAN!" The blonde pushed past them and ran, crying, inside the building. Elliot and Ashley stared after her.

"Um, should we follow her?" Elliot asked, still attempting to process what had just happened. Ashley shrugged.

"Well, it would be funny to see the looks on the others' faces when they meet that psycho, but that would mean subjecting ourselves to that horror again."

"Hm."

They stood there in silence a moment longer before coming to the conclusion that seeing the looks on the others' faces would be too priceless to miss. As they headed back inside, Elliot stopped, forcing Ashley to stop as well, or else run straight into him.

"Hey...Thanks. For not letting me get clobbered."

"No problem. No one so much as _thinks_ about clobbering you without my say-so. Or Kathy's, of course." The look on Elliot's face forced her to change that last part.

Thankfully, he was saved from responding to that, seeing as how they had arrived back inside the SVU squad room and were greeted by eleven different voices demanding "What did you _do_!"

Elliot and Ashley exchanged looks.

"I didn't do anything. Did you do anything?"

"I didn't do anything either. So, if you didn't do anything, and I didn't do anything, then neither of us did something. Right?"

"Wrong!" Cragen joined in the conversation. "This girl-" he gestured to the blonde, who was now sitting in Cassidy's seat (which was technically Fin's now, but that's not the point), crying profusely "-just came in here complaining that you two viciously attacked her!"

Alana's eyes flashed.

"Oh, I'll kill her, all right, if she doesn't get out of that chair."

Cassidy noticed this and quickly stepped over to where she was standing.

"It's okay, Alana, really."

Alana turned on him.

"No, it's not." All three words were spoken slowly, deliberately, threateningly.

"You're right." Brian quickly agreed and led her off to the coffee before she could do any damage.

"What the hell is up with this chick?" Ashley asked incredulously. "First she runs into _us_, then says _we_ viciously assaulted her? She's a lunatic if I've ever seen one! And believe me, watching SVU for lots of years, you see a _lot_ of lunatics."

"Well, actually-" Huang began to contradict her, but stopped as soon as he spotted the death glare she was sending in his direction.

"Hey, don't threaten Huang!" Karen jumped between the two of them before any real damage could be done. "What's he ever done to you?"

Ashley stared at her.

"Right. Never mind. Relax, go do Elliot, will ya?"

It took a few seconds before the statement sunk in.

"Whaaaaaat! Karen, what have I told you about saying those things in public!"

Karen simply smiled at her angelically. Well, as angelically as Karen gets, that is.

Before the girls had the opportunity to start a physical fight, Cragen interrupted yet again.

"Hello! Do either of you have any idea what the basis behind these accusations is?"

"Well, obviously, it's because she's an attention-seeking idiot who will do anything to sate her constant need for acceptance." Alana, the AP Psychology student of the bunch, rattled off a textbook definition, adding a few things to embellish the otherwise boring statement. She turned to Huang and said snidely ,"So there, ass wipe."

Huang smartly refrained from comment. Cragen stared at her.

"In English, please?"

"But of course." Kerri jumped in. "She said that this bitch is just an attention-seeking little whore who isn't worth our time."

"Exactly." Alana nodded happily. "Aren't I smart?"

"That's not exactly what I would call it..." Olivia, who had been just about forgotten until this point, muttered. Alana was the only one who picked up on the derogatory comment.

"Brian..." she whimpered, turning to face him and giving him puppy dog eyes before burying her face in his chest. "She's being mean to me..."

"Now look what you did, Liv," Elliot commented, interrupting his own recount of the previous events to Cragen.

"Yeah, look what you did, Liv. You made the psycho cry." Munch mocked, a bit aggravated that he was being ignored. Nobody noticed except Kerri, who promptly scurried over to him to make sure he and Fin both felt loved.

"Hey, she's not the psycho!" Karen protested upon hearing this.

"Yeah!" Ashley agreed. "Obviously, it's _that_ thing that's the psycho here." She pointed at the blonde, who was still sitting in Cassidy's chair, forgotten, watching the entire scene with amusement.

Upon realizing that she had been found out, the blonde's eyes widened.

"Me? Like, what did I do?"

Elliot stopped his story to stare at her incredulously.

"You mean other than attempted assault of a police officer?" Upon hearing this, Ashley snickered loudly. Cragen turned to her.

"And what do you have to say about punching this poor girl in the nose?" he asked, looking both annoyed and amused at the same time. Ashley blinked at him innocently.

"I honestly thought she was going to harm _Detective Stabler_, sir. I did what I thought was necessary to protect the well-being of one of New York's finest." Somehow, the girl managed to say the entire thing with a perfectly straight face. At this, nearly everyone in the room had a fit of giggles, or something to that effect. Some of them (who will not be named, Fin, oops, it slipped) would never admit to giggling.

Cragen stared at her.

"Is that all you have to say for yourself?"

Ashley looked at Elliot and shrugged.

"Yeah."

"All right. I want someone to take a statement, just in case this young lady here decides to press charges," he motioned to Cassidy, who was still busy comforting Alana. "Cassidy, come take her statement."

"But, Captain..." Cassidy gestured down to where his shirt was quickly becoming very wet.

"Take her with you." was Cragen's ingenious solution.

"What're we doing?" Alana asked tearily, sniffling loudly in the process.

"Taking a statement."

"Why?"

"Because Ashley here did what all of us have been wanting to do ever since this brat walked in here." Karen's response was perkier than it really should have been, considering the circumstances.

"Ooh!" Alana looked enlightened. "Can I watch?"

"I suppose." Cassidy shrugged. "Don't see why not."

With that, the three strolled off to another part of the station-house, leaving Kerri and Karen alone with the SVU team.

"So," Kerri said happily, "What happens now?"

"We kick you all out and get on with our jobs," Fin muttered.

The girls and everyone else stared at him.

"Wow," Olivia commented, "Looks like _someone's_ not a good mood."

Fin glared at her.

"Wow," Karen added, "That was _really_ out of character."

Fin stared at her.

"What?" Karen asked, observing the look she was being given. "It was."

"Moving on," Cragen said, eager to rid himself and his team of such nuisances. "What are we going to do about this?"

"About what?" Monique, who had been basically forgotten about this entire time since she was off doing... _things_ with Munch, asked.

"This." Cragen gestured to the blonde, who was _still_ sitting in Cassidy's chair.

"Who, like, me?" The blonde was apparently paying attention now.

"Yes, like, you." Cragen responded a bit snarkily. "Is there something we can help you with or not?"

The blonde sat there, apparently deep in thought. Ironic, I know.

"Like, hey," she said finally, "You're, like, that guy from, like, that show."

Everyone stared at her. Kerri and Karen had to refrain each other from killing her.

"Nah, _shit_?" Ashley had just walked back into the room, fingers looking slightly blacker than before. "Ya _think_?"

"That was, like, uncalled for," the blonde sniffled, tears welling up in her eyes.

Ashley rolled her eyes and ignored her.

"Hey, have you guys seen that bitch who can't dress herself and can't win a case to save her life?"

"Novak?" Alana popped up beside her.

"Yeah, her."

"Hey!" Karen and Kerri exclaimed together. "Don't diss Novak!"

Ashley and Alana stared at them.

"I'll stop dissing Novak when you stop dissing Cassidy!"

"Ha, like that's ever gonna happen!"

"Exactly!"

Of course, Cassidy entered the fray just then. He stopped dead in his tracks and stared at the spot where the four girls were sizing each other up, yelling at the top of their lungs.

"What did you guys do?" he asked incredulously.

"Nothing." Munch said, appearing randomly out of nowhere. "It's obviously all a ploy by the government to turn everyone against each other so they can instigate a race war in which the bureaucratic higher-ups will be the only survivors."

The others tuned out of Munch's little rant in time to hear "Fine, then we're bringing Cabot back!" from the girl's heated argument. Seconds later, Alexandra Cabot stood before them in all her Alexandra Cabotness glory.

"Alex!"

She was immediately glomped by all four girls. Alex looked down at their heads passively and echoed Cassidy's words from two chapters ago.

"Fanwriters again? Well, it was bound to happen again sometime. Although, I will say, it _has_ been awhile."

While the four obsessed teens began to frantically explain, no one seemed to notice as the blonde stood up and announced she was leaving. In fact, no one noticed when she walked out the door, either. In fact, they probably wouldn't have noticed at all if not for the loud screech and thud from outside.

"What was that?" Elliot asked.

The others shrugged nonchalantly.

"Dunno, don't care."

**Wow, I'm pretty sure that wasn't funny at all. Basically, I was just writing to kill time, so I apologize for the lack of real entertainment. Next time... Olivia's fanboy! (Thanks to Lily for the idea!)**


	5. Olivia's Fanboy!

**Disclaimer: I own Kerri, Karen, Ashley, and Alana. Okay, I actually don't own Kerri and Karen, but for the purpose of this story I do. And I don't own Danny, either, no matter how much I wish I did.**

**A/N: Please forgive the constant snowboarding references in this chapter. It's my current obsession and I NEED to rant about it. And how better to do that than to annoy everyone who reads this? XD That's what I thought.**

**Right, and you can thank Lily for this idea. Thanks, Lily!**

It wasn't long before yet another slightly confused-looking person wandered into the station house. Only this time, it was a guy. The members of the SVU squad all silently sighed in relief, thankful that there was finally a change of pace from the giggling, squealing, slightly psychotic females.

Alana took one look at the newcomer and squealed loudly, earning her yet _another_ round of strange looks.

"What is it this time?" Cragen asked with a sigh, wondering when all this would be over and life could get back to normal. Well, as normal as life ever was in New York City, that is.

"It's-It's-It's-!" Alana cut herself off, unable to form a full sentence.

"Breathe, Alana, breeeeeathe." Kerri said, inhaling and exhaling deeply in demonstration. The other girl followed suit and seemed a tiny bit calmer before continuing. She pointed at the boy accusingly and yelped "DANNY KASS!"

Cue another round of looks.

"Who?" came the undisputed response from everyone in the room other than the three teenage girls who hadn't spoken. Kerri and Karen rolled their eyes and wandered off somewhere, pulling Fin and Munch behind them, eager to get away from their obsessive friend. Ashley, on the other hand, was staring the boy (Danny) in shock, apparently unable to make any noise.

"Danny Kass!" Alana shrieked, jumping up and down excitedly. "Are you people really that ignorant?"

"Yes." Olivia said. She didn't look all that happy. "We are. Now if you please tell us just who the hell Danny Kass is-" She was cut off by the boy in question.

"Oh my God!" he exclaimed, sounding oddly like Alana, "You're Olivia!"

Olivia blinked, as did everybody else.

"That's _Detective Benson_ to you," she snapped quite irritably. "And have we met?"

"Only in my dreams, my dear," Danny said as he crossed the room to stand in front of her. He took one of her hands in his and brought it up to his mouth, kissing it. Olivia yanked her hand away, looking repulsed.

"What the _hell_ is going on around here!" she cried, clearly uncomfortable with the fact that she was nowhere near in control of the situation.

"Well obviously," Ashley regained her voice. "Danny Kass is your obsessive stalker fanboy."

"Fan...boy...?" Cragen looked around, confused. Kerri took the liberty of sticking her head out the door of the room she was in with Karen, Fin, and Munch to answer.

"Fanboys are just like fangirls," she explained, "Except they're guys." And then she was gone again.

"Exactly." Ashley nodded definitively. "Though I must say, it _has_ been a while since I've run into one..."

"What does this mean?" Olivia asked, still trying in vain to avoid Danny's advances. "For me, I mean."

"Well, you know how wonderfully happy Elliot and Cassidy are?" This time it was Karen who answered. "Well, that's gonna be you. But with Danny, not Alana." Then she, too, was gone again.

"Oh God..." Olivia murmured, sinking into her desk chair. Danny misinterpreted her remark and quickly joined her.

"Don't worry, my love. I'm here and everything is now all right."

"Noooo!" Olivia howled, unable to shake him. While the rest of the SVU squad watched this highly entertaining spectacle, Alex turned to Alana.

"So, just who _is_ Danny Kass?" she asked, unwittingly setting herself up for a twenty minute rant/discussion.

"That depends. Do you want the short version or the long version?"

"Short."

"All right, then." Alana grinned maniacally and cracked her knuckles loudly before continuing. "Danny Kass is one of the absolute best snowboarders in the world." She paused, thinking about what to say next. Now, while most people would think that she was done, Ashley knew better and sat in Cassidy's chair and leaned back, getting comfortable. "Blah blah blah, got his ass kicked at the Olympics by that dumbass nineteen-year-old upstart Shaun White (and no, I'm not bitter _at all_), got his ass _kicked_ at the Vans Cup at Tahoe this year in both slopestyle _and_ superpipe by not only Mason Aguirre (yay!), but Louie also, which was just like a "WHAT THE HELL?" moment, and-and-and... It was bad. Drinking and smoking is baaaad, folks."

Everybody blinked at her.

"Whaaaaaaat? I'm obsessed, all right?"

"_That_ was the _short_ version?" Cassidy asked, looking a bit shocked.

"Are you really surprised?" Elliot asked, rolling his eyes and heading for the coffee.

"No, I guess not."

"Precisely!" Alana and Ashley chimed, wide grins plastered on their teenage faces.

"And that's Danny Kass!" Alana finished with a flourish. "He's awesome."

"Wait," Olivia said, looking both frightened and a bit confused. "Didn't you just spend the past few minutes insulting him?"

"Yeah. So?"

"So... never mind."

"Good plan." If possible, the grin on the girl's faces widened even further.

"Right, so, um..." Olivia trailed off, unsure of how to word what came next. To think, she handled criminal offenders and abuse victims day in and day out. And now, when it _really_ mattered, she was physically incapable of wording her desire. There was a long pause before anything else was said, during which the ceiling was examined closely, and Elliot exploded the coffee machine. Eventually, Olivia continued.

"How do I, um, get rid of him?" The question was obviously directed toward the girls, who were apparently deep in thought.

"Huh?"

"What?" The girls exchanged looks.

"Is the great Olivia Benson actually breaking down and asking us - who have been making her life ever-so miserable since we walked in this cheery morning - for help?"

"Why, I do believe so." Ashley cocked her head innocently. "Should we help her?"

"Why, I don't know," Alana mimicked her friend. "She didn't seem to want our opinion before, so why should now be any different?"

"Well, obviously because she's the one having difficulties." Ashley began to observe her chipping nail polish indifferently.

"Ah, yes, that must be it." Alana shifted her gaze to the puddle of coffee that now stained the tiled floor. The girls fell silent for a minute or so, leaving Olivia - not to mention everybody else - in suspense. Danny took advantage of this time to plop himself down in Olivia's lap and began to caress her cheek.

"Wha- PLEASE?" Olivia shrieked and jumped up, knocking Danny to the floor, where he began to kiss her feet. The girls exchanged looks again.

"Well..."

"I dunno..." Alana turned to Cassidy, who was trying very hard not to laugh. "What do you think?" She shot a quick glance over at Olivia, trying to see if the fact that her ex-lover deciding her fate was torturing her. Instead, she witnessed the look of disgusted horror that soon accompanied a swift kick to Danny's face and the wounded comment of "But, my love! We are meant to be!" Alana stifled a giggle before turning back to Cassidy.

"Well..." he pretended to mull it over, taking his time to watch Olivia suffer just a liiiiiittle bit more. "I suppose you probably should."

"Oh, all right." The girls weren't all that happy with the decision, but obliged anyway. Alana cursed her love for Cassidy as she directed her next comment to a very abhorrent Olivia.

"So, um, I hate to break it to you, but there's really no way to get rid of a fanboy."

Everyone blinked at her. Olivia's eyebrows shot up and eyes widened in a combination of shock and fear.

"What?" she whispered fearfully. She didn't want to have to spend the rest of her life with this-this... creature attached to her every second of every day.

"Oh, no, we don't mean it like that," Ashley amended quickly, "There're a ton of ways to get rid of one, but there's no simple one way to do it."

"Huh?"

"Let me explain-" Kerri and Karen rejoined the group, along with a slightly disheveled Munch and Fin. "While there's no one specific way to get rid of a fanboy, it is possible to get rid of a _regular_ boy."

"A number of ways, actually," Karen chimed, looking happy.

"Like talking about 'girl issues' in detail."

"Or not even in detail. Guys tend to go red and leave the room at the slightest hint of the topic." As if on cue, Cassidy, Munch, Fin, Cragen, Huang got up and exited the premises. "See what I mean?"

"Yeah, but Elliot's still here." Ashley pointed out.

"He's married." Alana stated. "And has three daughters. He's used to it."

"Oooh. Right."

"Anyways, that works on _most _guys, but apparently, not on Danny here." Kerri pointed to the guy in question, who was still slobbering at Olivia's feet.

"_However_," Alana said, yet another grin plastered on her face. "Danny here is a special one. (Trust me, I know.) You ready for this?" she paused for dramatic effect. "Hey, Danny."

He didn't look up. Alana continued anyway.

"There's a foot of fresh pow about a mile and a half north of-" Before the sentence was even fully out of her mouth, the boy was out the door, hastily pulling on his snow gear.

"Well, that certainly was interesting." Alex commented, still staring out the door after him.

"Aw, Danny go bye bye..." Alana pouted, not looking happy at all. Cassidy seemed to sense this and reentered the room just in time for her to have another breakdown.

"Now see what you've done?" Karen said, shooting a mean glare in Cassidy's direction. Before he could question the logic behind that statement, Olivia yanked Alana away from him and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug.

"Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!" she exclaimed, tears of joy for her newly-granted freedom threatening to spill over.

"Um... you're welcome?" Alana gasped, wrenching herself away from the slightly neurotic detective. "This is all very out of character."

"Indeed." Kerri concurred, brow furrowed.

"Yeah, it is kind of strange..." Ashley commented, biting the inside of her lip. "Do you suppose she needs to see a shrink?"

"Where's Huang?" Karen asked, looking around for the man in question.

"Dead, I hope," Ashley muttered as she slowly pulled a spiral-bound notebook from out of nowhere.

"Hey! Ashley!" Kerri noticed the subtle action and made a move to rip the notebook away from her friend.

"Ack! No! Mine!"

"Gimme that!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

As the two girls tussled on the floor for control of the notebook, the SVU squad just watched.

**Wow, that _was_ really out of character...I have no idea what's going on with me today. Could be the fact that I reeeeeally don't want to go my homework. Or that whole thing with Danny placing really poorly and whatnot. Oh, and just for the record, Danny Kass is NOTHING like what I made him out to be. I just wanted an excuse to put him in. Any ideas for the next chapter are encouraged! Really. **


End file.
